Friday, February 22, 2008

Jackie Kennedy and Missed Opportunities?

When I was pregnant with my son, my best friend at the time was pregnant with Chad; the boys were due to arrive at the same time. Two good friends, pregnant and able to share this life changing time together. My son came first, a beautiful, healthy boy. The nurses would say they’d never seen such a beautiful baby before. I’d spend hours in bed with him starring at his perfection.

Soon after, my friend gave birth to Chad. She loved to stare at him too, she felt his spirit as she nursed him and connected with his baby gaze. Yes, he was beautiful and perfect too…all except one thing: He had a birth defect that allowed him to thrive inside the womb, but the minute he was born he began to die. I forget the name of the defect, but I remember it had something to do with the heart and how the heart changes duties once we’re born. When it was discovered that something was very wrong my friend was given a choice: Hold Chad in her arms until his life slipped away or send him alone to a hospital better equipped to perform a surgery that had a very small chance of success. She and her husband could not afford to accompany their son.

My friend was a lot like me…afraid of public displays of affection or showing vulnerability; proud that she rarely cried-like Jackie Kennedy. The woman who was held up to us as an example of how to handle difficult situations-of course we now know Jackie was drugged into being “poised”.

When she chose to give Chad a chance, albeit small, the nurses quickly took him away from her and placed him in a bassinet that could be transported on a plane. All of a sudden the mood changed from intimate moments with a small family to 10 people standing around a tiny baby and one take-charge person telling my friend it was time to quickly say goodbye to her son. They didn’t give her a ‘moment’, they didn’t turn their backs-- and my friend in her immaturity and vulnerable circumstance only touched the toe of his little baby body as she whispered, "goodbye". He was still alert and aware. She didn’t have the social practice to take her arm and push away the others so she could lean over her son’s face to kiss him and tell him how much she loved him, to encourage him that this trip is all for him, so that he could live, to place her finger in his baby grasp…the hospital staff showed no compassion or wisdom-they could have helped. This incident haunted my friend for as long as I knew her.

Chad died among strangers after hearing the voices of his family and the beat of his mother’s heart for months. My friend told me about the parting, how angry she was at herself for not having the ability-for whatever reason-to properly say goodbye to Chad.

Even though my friend and I have lost touch years ago, I look at my son and often remember Chad, knowing he’d be the same age. This happened 29 years ago and it didn’t even really happen to me, but I’m so soo sorry, I pray that good things replaced the pain and regret for my friend.

Today I was watching an episode of Brothers and Sisters where twins are born and only one survives. The tears that the myth of Jackie Kennedy had bottled up came spilling out. I cried for at least 45 minutes…screaming howling, deep sobs of sadness. I wonder what other things are inside that have been denied a proper response. I wish I knew how to contact my friend.

Sunday, August 26, 2007

All the bees are disappearing ...

Pretty *scary news, but today I found one today in my desert garden.
*Isn't most news scary?

Saturday, August 25, 2007

Tonight on the Mesa

It's so beautiful out here!  Here are two photos I took as the sun was setting. Come out and see this beautiful place for yourself!  visit:

I Gave Away my Fur Children

Even though it's been over a week, I'm still so sad about finding a new home for 2 of my 4 cats. I had to, they are all females and fought their jealous wars with cat poop. Now that it's over and Ellis and lucy, sisters, have a new home, the fighting and pooping has stopped. I can't help but think about my mother choosing just me out of 4 kids to give away. I cried for 2 days over my kitties. The whole brings back sad memories.

I think of Kelly and Mario Often

Out here on the mesa, we got together to remember our new friends that we lost too soon. We lit candles, read poems, prayed and talked about how wonderful they were and how confused we are by the tragedy. When we walked outside, this is what greeted us. The mesa is always beautiful, but I've never seen anything like this.

Monday, August 20, 2007

My Neighbors Lost their Basket

Some people that I've come to know,  a nice looking couple with two beautiful kids are dead.  The husband smothered his wife and then hung himself.  I don't know them enough to know the whys but I do know them enough to be filled with grief.  Please people, if you're having trouble in this life-let someone know.  Don't we all love to help?? Be humble enough to reach out and accept help.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Some Photos from New Mexico

I've been so busy since I moved to New Mexico. I thought I would have lots of time to deal with old demons and let out long suppressed screams. Not a chance! Anyway, here are some photos of my new surroundings. I love it here and want you all to come, but not if you own a gas powered landscaping tool.

Visit: to see more photos.

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Gentle as a Dove

...and wise as a serpent. I'm direct and honest. My husband is sensitive and easily wounded. This morning I was thinking that one of us must change to survive this marriage so I thought about the verse that says, "...gentle as a dove and wise as a serpent."

My research tells me that doves have many enemies and build their nests in such a way that they appear to be stupid. The one redeeming quality is that they seem to be very good parents and share the burden equally. I remember watching the doves that were nesting on our portico and when they were both there for shift change, they were very patient; the dove that recently arrived would wait for some time before the bird on the nest would get up and leave. Maybe they were bringing each other up to speed about the cats in the neighborhood, or the status of their nestlings.

So my conclusion is that doves are patient and kind to their family. I realize that I'm ascribing human characteristics to the doves, but hey, I'm trying to apply something here.

Anyway, a serpent seems to be influenced by many things: temperature, solar radiation, wind, humidity, time of day, and season. If the moon is out at night, a snake moves around less-assuming that snakes know that their prey can see them. They have no ears and pick up vibrations with the tactile receptors on their skin. Gathering data with it's senses it modifies it's behavior accordingly. When a predator is around, it will even change it's movements to avoid being a meal.

Snakes are little scientists gathering data before they do anything and modifying their behavior to suit the situation. Have you noticed that these much maligned characters appear to always be smiling?

I guess I am to be patient and kind to my family- yet smart enough to take the 'temperature' of the environment I'm in before I do anything....oh..yes, and smile and carry a rattle.

What do you think?

Friday, June 23, 2006


I noticed my 18-year-old-son's wallet laying next to his keys on the little built-in desk in the kitchen. I was surprised by my feelings...a curious rush. I picked it up and looked at his drivers license. Memories of wallets filled my mind; my dad's wallet, my ex husband's and my husband's wallet. The smell of the leather, the curious contents. Wallets are so masculine to me. Not the ones fresh from the box, but the ones with the patina of back pocket time.

I still don't understand, and can't label my feelings, but I know that my son's wallet indicated to me that my youngest baby boy is now a man. Wallets make me feel must be a daddy thing.